21 Days: A Slow March to Freedom

It's been 21 days since I've had any pain medication. I'm amazed at how naive I was three weeks ago when I thought a single day would be enough to break the insidious, surreptitious "deal with the Devil" I'd unwittingly made. Indeed it's taken every minute of the past three weeks - and I'm not out of the woods yet.

I've known people who've abused narcotics intentionally. One, in particular, spoke incessantly of the withdrawal "cravings." I can't identify with that one bit. I don't crave the drugs at all. The only thing I crave is being rid of this awful feeling that had been 24/7 until just two or three days ago. It's no longer constant - thank God. Now it waxes and wanes throughout the day, getting worse around lunchtime, subsiding a bit, then rallying again in the late afternoon and early evening, making another stand around bedtime. I don't want to spend a lot of time detailing the past three weeks - it's just been awful - but the worst is behind me.

As tough as it's been, though, I need to point this out: Kicking the pain meds is eminently do-able. I was talking to someone recently who'd quit smoking this summer, only to replace chain-smoking with chain-snacking. He's gained probably 25 pounds in the past 90 days. He observed, "You just have to trade one addiction for another." I disagree. I could write another thousand words and not come close to describing the past 21 days - the physical symptoms, the awful pounding in my head, the crying out of my brain for something it's demanding and I refuse, the lack of sleep - but still, it's do-able. I have a bottle of hydrocodone at home. I still carried some with me the first week of this mess. And, yeah, I'm still feeling pain and a single pill would make that better - for a little while. But I'm stronger than all of that.

If you find yourself hooked on pain medication and you want off, I don't necessarily think my way is the right way. It's certainly not the only way. I should have tapered my dosage down over several weeks. I can easily understand that someone in this position might need some help, support - even active medical following or treatment. These 21 days have been tough - minute-by-minute it's been much more difficult than the three weeks immediately after my surgery. Honestly, at times it's taken all the courage, patience, toughness I can muster. And still there have been low-point moments where I thought, quite literally, "I can't live like this." I even thought about choosing not to live. That's how tough it's been. So, believe me, I'm not soft-selling how difficult it can be to kick the meds.

But today, day 21, my message to anyone facing this battle now or in the future is simply this: You can do this. Somewhere on this blog there's a link to my e-mail address. Send me a message if you need some encouragement. Call your doctor if you need some help. In fact, that's probably a really good idea. But you really can do this. Shoot, if I can, anybody can.

Did I mention my hip still hurts? I guess, sometimes, there really are no easy answers.